League of Leagues Snitch Power Rankings
1. The Pullies – The pullies get the top spot here because they snitch not for the integrity of league or even to try to put themselves in a better position to win. They snitch solely out of spite.
2. Sporty Strauss – The original rat of the league. He tries to make his snitching come off as trying to be fair and about the league, but deep down this is a guy who is just not that good of a human.
3. Minnesota Moose Knuckles – With Jimmy leaving the league, there was a bulging gap that had to be filled to keep order. That bulging gap was filled by some moose knuckles. Chris is not afraid to call out injured player and illegal lineups.
4. SG Choppers – similarly to the pullies, here’s a guy that just wants to bring other people down with him. If it were up to the Choppers, the entire league would not have a 10th round draft pick.
5-11. (tie)
12. Cooper Troopers – Now here is a team that most people would think is too nice to snitch. That is only partially true. The Troopers wouldn’t be able to snitch even if they wanted to because the Troopers do not really know what the rules are.
Cooper Troopers Falling Apart?
7:59 AM.
It’s a balmy 64 degree morning in Wayzata, MN as Cooper Johnson puts on his Lululemon Navy ABC Commissioner pants and his Tradition Bank white polo.
It’s a little harder to come in this morning because Cooper had yesterday off thanks to Columbus Day (Cooper’s favorite holiday).
8:05 AM
He pours a cup of coffee, checks his emails, helps the first couple of customers deposit their weekly million dollars and then checks Twitter. “The cameraman Davante Adams pushed after the direct deposit hit”
8:18 AM - Cooper texts the league group chat “My team is falling apart”
This dramatic response could just be a hangover from how hard he partied on Columbus Day (he asked me not to call it Indigenous People’s Day), or maybe Cooper knows something that we don’t about an incoming suspension. I get the doom and gloom, Cooper is only 5-0 to start the season with a league high points. If Adams does get suspended a game, he will be forced to go to his bench and replace him with Amon Ra St. Brown (who only has the 6th most ppg for receivers so far).
While this may not be a big deal for the Cooper Troopers, it does have people asking about leadership on that team and if Cooper has lost the locker room. We’ll have to see how they respond to this adversity next week when they take on $traight Cash Homie.
League of Leagues Beard Power Rankings (official)
TIER ONE:
Craig - A lot goes into the algorithm of determining the beard power rankings, but having beard your Instagram handle is an easy way to shoot to the top of the board. Craig has a lot going for his beard: the thickness, the length, the shape. Tbh a good nickname for his beard would be Strauss.
Hall - I’m starting to realize that the key to a great beard is not being able to grow hair on your head. Chris does this as good as anyone around.
Danica Patrick, Shailene Woodley, Olivia Munn (TIE) - ALLEGEDLY (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
*editors note - I was tempted to put Jamie Johnson in this spot because of the time that our neighbor thought that he was gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I decided against it to be nice to Cooper and also because it would also implicate me as she thought I was Cooper’s partner (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
TIER TWO:
Koob - When the FBI is watching Korey through the camera on his phone and computer from the weird websites he has gone to, they marvel at his beard. It isn’t flashy, but it gets the job done and at the end of the day it can really compete with anyone.
Ooms - The Indiana Pacers of beards. This beard is going to get you to playoffs almost every single year but it doesn’t have the star power to really compete for championships. It’s a great consistent beard.
Note - Sinclair and Peter are probably sick to their stomachs right now by not being included here but the fact of the matter is they decided to pair up with teammates who don’t have tier two beards and I unfortunately have to judge these teams as one.
TIER THREE:
BamOs - let me just say that I have no idea what EZ looks like or if he is real, but in my head I am just hoping that he has mutton chops to perfectly compliment Sam’s immaculate goatee.
Las Cabras - Sinclair has a hot boy beard. It may be the Justin Herbert of beards. It looks great, it can make all the plays, the hair talent is there, it just hasn’t proven it can win yet. He’s dragged down a bit here by Trevor. Trevor’s bears availability isn’t what you would want to see. A good comp here would be Case Keenum. It’s a good backup but not someone you want to rely on for extended stretches.
Dr. Pat - the Andrew Luck of beards in the sense that Pat has Andrew Luck’s beard. This beard could be great it just isn’t accurate enough and too often scrambles to the neck area.
TIER FOUR:
Pullies - Right now Peter is probably wishing he picked someone besides Herm to be his teammate. This is a 2022 Lakers situation. Peter in the Lebron role and Herm in the Westbrook role. You just can’t win with a guy who I’ve never seen with a beard.
Dye - Similarly to Sam, Jordan is probably wishing this was a goatee rankings. Unfortunately for him it is not. Jordan has a great goatee and when he puts in the effort he really can grow a decent beard. He just hasn’t been able to put it all together yet.
Cooper - The 11 and 12 spot were hardest to rank. I went with Cooper here to hopefully give me good karma for our game this weekend.
Strauss - It’s at this point that I regret keeping the paired teams together. Herm deserves this spot, not me. But that’s just the way it shakes out sometimes. Unfortunately for me I still have a full head of hair which I guess makes it hard to grow a beard.
TIER FIVE:
Jack - Jack has so little facial hair that I forgot to even include him in my initial rankings. That says a lot about this man’s either lack of ability to grow facial hair or his incredible hygiene. A good comp for Jack in this ranking would be Jack in league of leagues last year, last place.